Picking up from where we left off at the end of Episode 3, Helen enjoys a catchup coffee with her neighbours Jennifer, Harry and Nana Madeleine, while Hera and the children try find the 'buzzard' that flew off. Zeus thinks he's so clever, but he's not the only one who can transform in the wink of an eye.
Thank you so much for your support. Please remember to spread the word, tell your friends, your grandparents, your grandchildren. You're never too young, or too old, to enjoy a silly story about what other young, and not so young any more folk might get up to, if given half a chance.
AND ANOTHER THING: check out Wendy Lap's podcast The Richard Osman Fan Club, for a very funny tale of derring-do - with me in it! https://lnns.co/HfugmUqKYeA
Picking up from where we left off at the end of Episode 3, Helen enjoys a catchup coffee with her neighbours Jennifer, Harry and Nana Madeleine, while Hera and the children try find the 'buzzard' that flew off. Zeus thinks he's so clever, but he's not the only one who can transform in the wink of an eye.
Thank you so much for your support. Please remember to spread the word, tell your friends, your grandparents, your grandchildren. You're never too young, or too old, to enjoy a silly story about what other young, and not so young any more folk might get up to, if given half a chance.
AND ANOTHER THING: check out Wendy Lap's podcast The Richard Osman Fan Club, for a very funny tale of derring-do - with me in it! https://lnns.co/HfugmUqKYeA
EPISODE 4
Divine Dilemma and a Rooftop Parley
FLLOYD Thunder's Mouth Theatre presents. Am I old yet? a coming-of-age comedy podcast with a difference. This is Episode 4 and we pick up where we left off at the end of Episode 3, with Zeus and Hera arriving off the bus somewhere in the middle of South London without a clue what they're doing. But looking for Helen while Helen is enjoying a catch up coffee with the neighbours and Joey.
SCENE 1
CUPS AND PLATES BEING PLACED ON A TABLE
JENNIFER: Would you like a biscuit, Helen? Chocolate digestives. Or I've got some custard creams if you like. Here you are, Harry.
HARRY: Thanks. My favourite.
HELEN: Lovely. Never say no to a chocolate digestive.
JENNIFER: Me too. And they are Nana's favourites too, aren't they, Nana?
NANA: Oh yes. That's the secret to my long life, you know.
HELEN: What, chocolate digestives?
NANA: You had better believe it.
WHOOSH OF LARGE BIRD FLYING PAST
CLATTER ON ROOF AS BIRD LANDS.
EVERYBODY RESPONDS AT ONCE
HELEN: What?
NANA: Oh! Oh my goodness
HARRY: What on earth?
HELEN: Did you see that? Some kind of huge bird.
NANA: Did it land on the roof? Maybe there's a nest up there.
HELEN: Surely not! In the middle of London?
JENNIFER: Well, that was the fellow on the telly, the wild life photographer, what was his name?
HARRY: Hamza.
NANA: Yes, thank you Harry! Hamza. He's the one that won Strictly Come Dancing the year before last! He was so lovely. And his prize was to create a film, so he made a documentary about birds of prey, and there were definitely some of them nesting in London.
HELEN: I'm going up there. See what I can see.
JENNIFER: Harry , you'd better go with her.
HARRY: Yep.
MUSIC
SCENE 2
STREET SOUNDS
CHILD 1: Can you see it? I can't see anything.
CHILD 2: Nah. Nothing up there. Oh, hang on! Yes! I can see it. Look, up on the roof. It's looking down - it's looking at us! Hey Mr Buzzard!!
CHILD 1: Can you see it, missus? Look, up near the water tank.
HERA: Yes! Yes I see him. You stupid, stupid--
CHILD 2: Who are you calling stupid? You calling me stupid?
HERA: No, child. Not you. That stupid idiot up there. Oh. Now. How do I get up there?
CHILD 1: In the lift, innit?
HERA: Right. In the lift. Of course. Thank you, thank you children, you have been very helpful. Goodbye. Have a nice - life? Oh look! Over there, behind you! There's a white swan.
CHILD 2: Where? Where is it? I can't see it.
BIRD FLAPPING LARGE WINGS
We can't see it lady - Oh. She's gone.. Where did she go?
SCENE 3
BIRD FLYING, THEN CLATTER OF FOOTSTEPS ON THE ROOF.
HERA: Oh you are an idiot, Zeus. Did you think nobody would see you?
ZEUS: I don't care if Mr Nobody sees me. I got here, didn't I? And this is the building.
HERA: How do you know? There are 3 tall buildings on this street.
ZEUS: Hah! I checked the number on the door. See. You didn't think of that, did you?
ZEUS: Now, we have to find out what floor, and which apartment Helen lives in.
HERA: What you mean! Apartment. This is not New York. Here in England they live in Flats. You know nothing.
METAL DOOR OPENING AND CLOSINGA SLOWLY.
ZEUS: Flats. Ten stories up in the air? What is flat about that? What a stupid name. Flats.
HELEN: Excuse me?
HARRY: Hello?
HERA: [SHARP INTAKE OF BREATH]. Yes?
HELEN: Oh, sorry. We didn't mean to startle you. I don't suppose you've seen a large bird up here?
ZEUS: A bird? Nooo. No we didn't see anything like a bird, did we my love?
HERA: No. My darling.
HELEN: Oh what a shame. We saw one fly up here, didn't we, Harry?
HARRY: We did.
HELEN: So amazing. Huge. Like a, a,
ZEUS: Buzzard. Looked like a buzzard.
HELEN: Yes! Just like a buzzard. So you did see it!
ZEUS: (Yes
HERA : No!
ZEUS: (No, we didn't see anything.
HERA : Yes, it was a buzzard.
HELEN: Right. Well I'm glad we got that sorted. Well... as long as everything's ok. Are you ok? Can I help you, at all?
HARRY: Do you live here? In the building?
HERA: No. No we are visiting.
ZEUS: Yes! Visiting.
HERA: And we came up in the lift.
ZEUS: In the lift. We came up, too far, in the lift.
HARRY: In the lift?
HERA: Yes. So good, isn't it? In the lift?
HELEN: Well. It would be, if had been working for the past 6 months. Hmmm. So you came up in the lift. That doesn't work. Something not quite right here. Now! Harry?
HARRY: Yeah?
HELEN: Call the police.
HARRY: Right you are.
HERA: Oh please no. You don't need to do that. Please, let me explain.
HELEN: I'm waiting.
HERA: We are, visiting. You see.
ZEUS: But we don't know which apartment -
HERA: Which flat, our friend is in. So we came up to the top, to start looking on the way down.
ZEUS: On the way down. Yes.
HELEN: Why wouldn't you start on the way up?
HARRY: Save yourself all those stairs?
ZEUS: Good point.
HERA: You are so very very right. That would have been the sensible thing to do. But my husband always thinks he has a better idea! Don't you, my darling?
ZEUS: We-ell. Sometimes. Sometimes I do.
HELEN: So who is your friend? Maybe I know him, her, them?
ZEUS: Oh. Of course. That would be so helpful. Thank you. Her name is Helen.
HARRY: Helen?
HERA: Helen Docherty.
HARRY But this (is Hel --
HELEN: Who wants to know?
HERA: We are friends. She is a friend of--
ZEUS: She is a friend of our son.
HELEN: And your son is?
HERA: Hermes. His name is Hermes. Your name is Helen? Perhaps you know him?
HELEN: Hermes....
GODS MUSIC THEME
Harry! It's ok.
HARRY: Really?
HELEN: Ye-es. We won't need the police. Yet. Will you tell Jenny and Nana I'll see them later this evening?
HARRY: Sure. You sure you're ok here?
HELEN: Yes. It's ok. I know who they are. I just need to find out why they are here. It's ok. See you later.
METAL DOOR OPENS, HARRY LEAVES.
Now then. The mother and the father of Hermes, the Greek God of Trickery and, and Messages, and a personal friend of mine, are on the roof of my building in the middle of London, looking for me. The actual king and queen of the gods of Greek mythology. Wow. What can I say? Am I supposed to curtsey? Should I call you Your Majesties? What? I'm, I'm just gobsmacked!
ZEUS: What is she saying? I don't understand what she is saying. Is this the right Helen? What is gob smacking? Should I know about this smacking of gobs?
HERA: It means she is lost for words, my love. Apparently, she has heard of us. And no, Helen. Please don't do any of that Royalist nonsense. We have no status whatsoever these days, not even with our own children.
ZEUS: Status! Huh! I've forgotten what that is. Nobody has any respect for their elders these days. No respect.
HERA: Oh for goodness sake. Don't start that again!
ZEUS: What?
HERA: Helen. Please. Please help me, I'm begging you. HE wants to talk to you, and I agreed to help him. So here we are. Please, can we sit down somewhere? These shoes are killing me.
HELEN: Of course. Come on, let's go down to my place and put the kettle on. Do you drink tea? Or coffee? I have both...
ZEUS: Coffee! She has coffee, Hera! I like this woman.
END OF EPISODE
FLLOYD In this week's episode, you heard Wendy Lap as Hera and Child 2, Sarah Golding as Child 1, Roy Carruthers as Harry, Ira Seidenstein as Zeus. And I played all the others. So that's Jennifer, Helen, Nana, and... nobody else but me here.
The music is from John T La Barbara's album In the Labyrinth, which is available on Bandcamp. I'd like to give a shout out— a huge thank you to everybody who's donated so far to our Crowdfunder campaign. You'll find the link to that in the show notes. I'm so delighted that so many of you have given so generously towards our goal of raising enough money to pay the actors, because they're worth it. And also possibly buy a new mic for my little home studio that I'm building up here and— Yes, I've got a cold. You're going to hear it again in the next episode because it ain't going nowhere. So thanks for listening. Stay safe