S8 Ep3 brings Helen some comfort from her friend Joey, but it comes with a challenge to up her game. Meantime the dastardly Minister for the Environment and Food Production (played by the wonderful Mr Matthew Field) is definitely up to something. His new secretary (the gorgeous Ms Frankii Phoenix) is quick to spot it.
You can support the production with a donation via https://patreon.com/amIoldyet. Your patronage brings you early access to the full series, as well as other perks - check them out on the website.
S8 Ep3 brings Helen some comfort from her friend Joey, but it comes with a challenge to up her game. Meantime the dastardly Minister for the Environment and Food Production (played by the wonderful Mr Matthew Field) is definitely up to something. His new secretary (the gorgeous Ms Frankii Phoenix) is quick to spot it.
You can support the production with a donation via https://patreon.com/amIoldyet. Your patronage brings you early access to the full series, as well as other perks - check them out on the website.
Flloyd
Thunder's Mouth Theater presents Am I Old Yet? a coming of age, totally fictitious story with a difference. This is a coming of old age story in which the Chosen One is not a shy, misunderstood teenager. But no, she's a grandmother, not far off her 80th birthday, and she's not all that happy about it all the time, but she has friends who understand, sort of, with whom she can share some of her concerns. Now, in this episode we also introduce two new actors to the TMT ensemble. Matthew Field, bringing the dastardly Minister for the Environment and Food Production, the Right Honourable (as if) Jonas Scillily to life, and Frankii Phoenix as his newly appointed but already long suffering secretary.
Now, a quick word in your ear, dear listener. In order to keep this audio theatrical production ad free, I have a Patreon account where a small one off or regular donation gives patrons access to certain benefits. Stick around at the end of the episode and I'll list a few of them for you.
Susie
Yes, Mrs Wilkinson.
Joey
Oh Susie, could you get me your gran on the phone? What time is it in London just now?
Susie
About half seven. Here she is, Mrs Wilkinson.
Joey
It's 07:30 P.m for her. Oh, that's good. Thanks, Susie. And can you bring me a coffee, please? When you get a I'll put you through.
Helen
Joey!
Joey
Helen. How are you? Not too late?
Helen
Not at all. Good time for me. How about you?
Joey
I'm good. Just about to have my second coffee of the day.
Helen
That's good.
Joey
Your granddaughter makes it just the way I like it. She's definitely growing on me. Yes, you might not get her back when her year is up.
Helen
Ah, well, that's what happens when things grow on you.
Joey
What?
Helen
It can be quite painful cutting them free like toenails.
Joey
Really? I wouldn't have associated your Susie with toenails. Is there a problem? Are yours in growing, ingrowing toenails?
Helen
Not so much. Just the older I get, the faster they grow and the harder it is for me to reach them when they need a trim.
Joey
You know, you're absolutely right. I thought it was just me. I think my toenails are leeching the goodness out of my joints. So the stiffer my joints, the longer my toenails. It's a pity joints wear out, because they really are very useful.
Helen
True. My ankles ping sometimes as if they're about to give way. No, well, they don't, but they might. So I find myself moving warily, like an old person, when maybe I don't need to yet. Or do I? It's a conundrum.
Joey
Whatever are we going to do?
Helen
Keep getting older, I guess.
Joey
Well, yes, as they say, it beats the alternative.
Helen
So, how are you, my darling? Any particular reason for this call? [MUSIC - RADIO NEWS INTRO]
NEWSREADER HEATHER
Yes, now, according to reports just coming in from our parliamentary reporters, mr Jonas Scillily, the Right Honourable Minister for the Environment and Food Production, has arranged to have talks with some influential people from various parts of the world. In the studio with me now is his personal secretary, Miss Serena Narayan. Now, Serena, the Minister is engaged in some sort of secret meetings, is that right?
Serena
Various individuals from different parts of the world in an effort to coordinate the efforts towards getting the planet cleaned up in order to mitigate the effects of climate change. It's really quite exciting.
NEWSREADER HEATHER
And any particular countries involved? We heard that there's an important African delegate and someone from Norway.
Serena
Well, all I can confirm is Scandinavia. Yes, yes, there's an African representation at this private conference and someone from Scandinavia as well.
NEWSREADER HEATHER
Can you tell me who these people are?
Serena
Well, they've all been appointed by their governments to represent them in these global discussions. Terribly exciting to think we might actually be working towards a global response to the crisis. [PHONE RINGING] Oh, I'm so sorry. I should have turned my phone off, but oh, this is important. I'm going to have to take this, lovely to talk to you! Thank you so much.
NEWSREADER HEATHER
Yes, of course. And that was Serena Narayan, personal secretary to the Minister of State.
Serena
Yes, Jonas. What is it?
JONAS
What the BLEEP hell do you think you're doing? I mean, I didn't authorize you to talk to the press.
Serena
No, but Jonas, I'm sure you said - you could leave it to me. You've been so busy. I just thought I'd take the initiative and get some stuff off your plate.
JONAS
I'm never too busy to speak to the press. I mean, for heaven's sake, all it was —was a couple of glasses of wine. That's all we were having. And just a friendly little drink. I mean. BLEEP hell!!! [NEWS MUSIC FADES]
Joey
Yes, there is. I wanted to warn you.
Helen
Warn me? Why? What have I done?
Joey
It's not you, it's us. Me and Steve. We're coming to visit you.
Helen
Really? When? How long for? What brought this on?
Joey
Hey, slow down. I'll tell you all about it. We're planning to come in about four weeks. The whole trip could be a couple of months because we're going to the States as well. And what brought it on? Well, to be honest, Ellie, I just decided it's now or never. I don't relish the thought of all the flights, so I want to do it before it just gets too scary, wondering whether we'll cope or not. So Steve suggested we get on with it, book it and do it. Worry about it after.
Helen
Good thinking. You're braver than me. I cannot imagine ever again sitting in an aeroplane for, what, 20 odd hours?
Joey
Brave? What? Come on. You're the bravest person I know. Mixing it up with the gods, no less. Saving the planet.
Helen
Don't be daft, Joey. I'm no more saving the planet than anyone else.
Joey
But you've got superpowers.
Helen
I've got dangerous superpowers that have to be kept in check. Or who knows what might happen?
Joey
Who knows what might happen if you don't use them? That must be the worst argument I've ever heard for not taking advantage of superpowers.
Helen
Oh. And what other arguments have you heard?
Joey
None. None whatsoever. I never heard of anyone with superpowers who didn't just use them.
Helen
Exactly. And look where that got us.
Joey
What on earth do you mean?
Helen
We invented the superpowered steam engine and railways and we dug up the coal and drilled the oil and built the skyscrapers and flew the fabulous aeroplanes, and look where that's all got us.
Joey
Pretty comfortable lifestyle, if you ask me.
Helen
Well, for some of us, yes. But for how long, Joey? in 400 years, we've gone from most of us living off the land with a few very powerful people abusing our ancestors so that they could have a comfortable life to what we have now. Mostly poor people surviving hand to mouth while a few very powerful people take advantage so they can have comfortable lives. It's nuts. Nothing changes. Well, my huffing and puffing and blowing bits of litter up into the sky isn't really helping at all. No more than anyone with a garden putting their food waste into a compost bin.
Joey
But it's better than nothing.
Helen
I agree. Unless...
Joey
What?
Helen
Unless it just leaves us all with a false sense of security that it'll all turn out right in the end.
Joey
So what else can we do?
Helen
Indeed. That is the problem. There's nothing else we can do. It's the ones with the actual superpowers who have to step up.
Joey
You mean like your Greek gods?
Helen
Heck, no. They can't change the way of the world. No, it's the ones with the political power. They're the only ones who can put the changes in place that we need.
Joey
Like that working party that you set up.
Helen
Well, I suppose it's a start, if it actually works.
Joey
You're not convinced, but wasn't it your idea?
Helen
Oh, yes, it was. It was my better than nothing idea. Worth a try, if nothing else. But I've got a feeling, you know, just a feeling that they, or at least some of them, are trying to wriggle out of it any way they can.
Joey
And what is your evidence, my darling?
Helen
Nah, no actual evidence, because I am not in the room with them. I gave them six months, and I can't do anything else until that's up. That was the deal.
Joey
So you just don't trust them?
Helen
Not at all. Most of them, anyway.
Joey
So do you think Steve and I shouldn't be flying around adding to the problem?
Helen
Oh, golly, gosh, darling heart. No. Don't you dare not come.
Joey
Oh, so you make exceptions, then?
Helen
You bet your sweet life I do. Get those tickets booked and get here ASAP. I need you.
Joey
Yes, ma'am. I'm so looking forward to it. Giving you a great big hug in the flesh.
Susie
Me too.
Flloyd
And that was Episode three of Season eight, with Matthew Field as Jonas Scillily, Frankii Phoenix as Serena Narayan, and Susie, Joey and Helen, played by me, Floyd Kennedy. The theme music that you're hearing is In the Labyrinth from John T. LaBarbera's album, which you can find on Bandcamp. Now, if you remember at the beginning I said that if you decide to join my Patreon.com campaign to try and raise some funds to support the program—because it does cost money to produce it. The website is patreon.com/AmIoldyet and you'll find there are three tiers. There's a one pound, three pound and a five pound tier.
You can either make a one off donation or you can sign up and pay monthly and stop whenever you feel like it. Amongst the benefits are early access to the episodes. For example, I've created a file which is episodes one to four, all in a one-er, which you can listen to without interruptions. And very soon, as soon as I've got them all recorded, there'll be episodes five to eight available for patrons. You also have the option to download some of my music for free or one of my poetry books.Take your pick.
Or you could name a character or even ask a character a question. That would be so much fun. Anyway, I look forward to hearing from you and I want you to stay safe. Thanks for listening.